i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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