my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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