you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
