Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
