I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
