Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
