You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
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I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
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I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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