I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
