Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
