I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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