So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
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Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
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also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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