my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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