he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
