i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
