We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
