I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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