I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
