this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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