I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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