it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
