Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
