Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
