Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
