I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
