Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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