I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
