evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
