I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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