I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
