Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How external is "for external use only"?
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You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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