just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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