Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
