what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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