HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
