So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
