I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
