Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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