I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
