I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
