So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
