I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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