i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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