He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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