I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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