you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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