Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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