thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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