Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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