In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
