I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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