dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
