Swine flu. Run for my life!
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
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