Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
