alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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