Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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