it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
