I hate your face
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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