I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
