I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
